Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?"

Harry is too smart for the first grade.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’ Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’ Harry: ‘9.’ Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’ Harry: ‘36.’ And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’ Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’ The principal and Harry both agreed.

Teacher’s Day

On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is - flowers!”
“That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?”
“Just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!”
“That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied.

Teacher: Little Johnny! Where's your book?!
Johnny: In my house.
Teacher: And what's it doing there?
Johnny: Ummm... having more fun than me?

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

Teacher: Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?
Johnny: I'm in love.
Teacher: With whom?
Johnny: With you!
Teacher: But Little Johnny, don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.
Johnny: Oh, don't worry. I'll use a rubber!

Showing off on the subway, FAIL!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class.

Teacher: ...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?". And what do you think that man said?
Johnny: I think he said "Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following questions:

Teacher: Michael, If you were on a date having dinner with a nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael: Just a minute, I have to go pee.
Teacher: That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?
Sherman: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Teacher: That's better but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny: I would say, 'Darling, may I be please excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
Teacher: *fainted*