My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them in the face & said, “Tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny.” and walked away like a boss.

I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its okay.

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

You break it, you buy it.” Hell no. I break it, slowly leave it there and awkwardly walk away.

Words Of Wisdom from Barney Stinson

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

How proud are you now Vincent?

I found a spider in my bathtub! So I calmly grabbed a tissue, and very carefully burned down the house.