March 2011
240 posts
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“I should start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a...”
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Q: What did the Digital Clock say to his mother?
A: Look ma, No hands!
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Title: Welcome To My Life (Acoustic live version)
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“Dear Iceberg,
Sorry to hear about the Global Warming.
Karma’s a...”
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A boy walked into his parents room and caught them...
BOY: Mom what are you doing?
MOM: Oh, just flattening dad's stomach dear
BOY: Gee I don't know why you bother mom cause when you're gone the babysitter blows it back up again!
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“Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters...”
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HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet bowl.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush!
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WatchTough Guys Sings Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply”
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“When I’m waiting in a long line for food,
I rehearse my order in my head.”
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A man at a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking...
Guy: You look terrible. What's the problem?
Friend: My mother died in August and left me $25,000
Guy: Gee, that's tough.
Friend: Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000
Guy: Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed!
Friend: And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000
Guy: Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.
Friend: Then this month, absolutely nothing!
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Whale Watching (Kokology #20)
You are standing on the deck of a small whale-watching boat. The great blue ocean surrounds you on all sides as far as the eye can see. The salt spray mists your face as you lean over the rail to try to catch sight of these mysterious creatures of the deep. And then there they are— a family of whales has surfaced just a short distance away!
Which of the following best describes the family?
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“I named my iPhone Titanic and every time I plug it in it says “Titanic is...”
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A man was walking along a beach and stumbled...
Genie: Okay, you released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish.
Man: Fair enough. You see I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?
Genie: That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-- how much steel!! No, think of another wish
Man: Okay, how about this. I've been married and divorce four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to really make them truly happy.
Genie: Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?
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“Dear Internet,
Please stop with the ads that start talking on their own.
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Man: God what's a billion years to you?
God: A second.
Man: What's a billion dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Man: Can I borrow a penny?
God: Sure son, just a second.
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“Admit it, at least once you have answered to Dora.”
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Job Interview
Employer: So tell me what sets you apart from the other candidates?
Candidate: I know where your girlfriend lives.
Employer: Get out of my office you creepy bastard.
Candidate: I don't think you understand. I also know where your wife lives.
Employer: You're hired. When can you start?
